How to get out of the friend zone is a question asked by not only men, but women as well. This situation is more common with men than women but this can be an unwanted place for them as well.
It is amazing how in our day to day lives when dealing with work, kids or friends and family, we are not so shy or lost in our thoughts. But when it comes to liking someone romantically, it all changes and we all end up doing some of the dumbest things.
When it comes to crushing on someone, we can’t say what we mean and we come across completely different than who we really are, even if being shy isn’t a problem. We are immediately hit with all of our insecurities and fears and that comes across to whom we are interested in, in all sorts of non-complimentary ways, not only to them but our representation of ourselves as well. It makes you wish that we all came with instruction manuals when we were born.
So how to get out of the friend zone or is it even possible to get out of the zone once you are there? Do you even know when you are in the friend zone, many people don’t and keep making a bad situation even worse?
Let’s take a look at identifying when you are in the friend zone and how you got there. Some people take the words too literal, and think not only is it not a bad thing but is a stepping stone to having a successful romantic relationship. If you think or feel this way, you need to stop now because once you are in the friend zone and you don’t understand how or why you are there, it will never get better.
There are ways to stop presenting yourself as a friend zone material and ways to get out of it if you are already there, but it takes some knowledge and some training.
Do You Know Where You Stand With That Someone Of Interest?
If you like someone and like them a lot, you are always complimenting them, doing things for them. You let them know that even if the world is swallowed in flames, you will be there for them. So do you know how you are perceived by this person?
For the men, you are “Nice Guy”, for the Women, you’re a “Good Girl” or you get called “buddy” or “sis” or some other non-romantic name. This is looked at as being just a “Friend”, you are as faithful and reliable as the family dog, isn’t that a great place to be? And some people think that situation is going to turn into a breathtaking romance novel one day.
News flash, this makes great for a “Tears in my Beer” country song and before long you are going to want to play the record in reverse so you can get your dog back, your car back and every other horrible thing sad country songs have to offer.
The point is, there are times to be nice and do things for those you care about and there are times you shouldn’t and too often than not, when we like someone, we are ready to cut out our organs and donate them to whom we like just to prove how much we love them.
If you think about it, it seems kind of creepy to be that giving to someone you are not that close with. Let’s take a look at this list of things that are big indicators of being in the friend zone:
- Does the one you’re into like to pal around with you like any of their other friends?
- Do they burp out loud or scratch themselves as if they don’t care what you think?
- Do they come to you and tell you about every little problem they have, especially issues with a significant other? How many times have you heard, “Your opinion means so much to me” or “I’m so glad I can count on you”?
- Are you the one that your crush comes to when they just got dumped? Is it you that is consoling them, getting out the lovey-dovey movies or the ice cream saying things like, “how can anyone not want to be with you”, You can do so much better” and things along these lines?
- Does the one of interest find changing or adjusting their clothes in front of you no big deal? Often if someone doesn’t see you as a romantic interest, they assume you don’t’ them either
- Does the one you like care nothing about how they look in front of you, show no interest of looking nice for you?
- Do you often hear the question from your family or your crushes’ family, “Why haven’t you started dating”?
- Is the one you are interested in completely comfortable around you, no qualms about giving you a hug, never seems nervous about their opinions, their language or how they act in front of you?
- Does your crush often try to set you up with someone else? Although I have seen some women do this with guys to see what he will do, this could also be a subtle way from your crush to let you know you need to place your romantic attentions elsewhere
- Do you find that you and the one of interest rarely ever touch?
- Do you find yourself always going out of your way to do favors for the one you like?
- Does it seem like when you and your crush are heading out, they always want others to come along?
- Does the one really ever makes an effort or really care to laugh at your jokes or not? Ever noticed that when you like someone, you will laugh at jokes you really don’t find funny?
- How often are you referred to as just a friend?
- Is it pointed out that when you and your crush are out, that they may not want to be seen with you if the opposite sex is around so no one will get the wrong idea?
- Does the one often talk about their hookups or conquest like you are just a bud?
- Ever got your crush drunk and they still don’t want anything to do with you romantically?
- How often are you referred to as a “Bestie”, a “Big or Little Brother” or a “Big or Little Sister”. Unless your crush is incestuous, you just got friended hard
- The one ask you for tips and advice on the opposite sex
- If you and your crush watch an entire movie with no intimate gestures or even worse, if you are a man and she places her head over on your shoulder
If the answer is yes or this is your situation to most or all, you are in the “Friend Zone”, meaning you are looked at as just a friend, which means romance will never be by keeping your current status.
Are You Making The Situation Worse?
You may have been or still are making the situation worse. No matter what sex you are, no one likes to be smothered with a needy person.
If you are always making yourself available, waiting somewhere for your crush, ready to carry their dirty laundry across the Mojave Desert for them or letting them know if they ever need some intimate attention, you are the one they can use and abuse in bed, you are going to get kicked out of the friend zone and into the creepy zone, maybe even with a restraining order.
Give Them Some Space!!
Everyone needs their personal space, even between the same sex friends, so if you start pressing what you want onto your crush, you are going to damage any chance of ever being any more than friends and possibly even what friendship you have.
People seem to forget, it isn’t all about you. What most people seem to forget, when you love someone, even your love for your friends. Love means putting the others happiness above your own, which means if you like someone and they are not into you but they do like someone else, you accept this and just be happy for them. People can’t make others like someone or do things that they don’t want to do.
Come On, Show Some Respect
If you continually offer your time to do favors, stop what you are doing to pal around with them. If you never let them know that they should be respectful around you as far as what they say, how they act or consideration of your time and just basically let them know it is OK to be a doormat for them, you will never be seen as anything but a buddy or pal or even less.
The more you conduct yourself in this behavior the more you bury yourself in the friend part. However if you really go overboard trying to basically do everything for them, you can just as easily freak them out.
In my past, I knew a girl that I thought was just a friend. One day she let me know if I wanted to have my way with her intimately, she would do it, she told me she would do anything to have me.
Needless to say, I kept my distance to the point I wouldn’t answer my door if I suspected it was her. To me it came across creepy and needy, none the less, the friendship was over.
Respect yourself, don’t demean yourself for anyone no matter how nice or friendly you are trying to be. As long as you respect yourself, it forces others to as well. I am sure you have met someone in your life at sometime or another that was stern in their voice and mannerisms, was stubborn and seem like they expected you to be at attention when in their presence.
These types have a respect for themselves and when you are in their presence, you are feeling it like if you were in the military. There is nothing wrong with being nice, laid back and easy going but there should be boundaries you set for yourself.
Some of us are bad at being self-aware but it should be a trait you put some effort at being. As long as you keep trying to make your crush like you by having no life so that you are on call for them, you will not be appealing to them.
Most everyone wants someone that has a life and that is interesting. If merely make yourself a servant for your crush, you aren’t providing any value to a romantic relationship. Don’t be afraid to let your crush know that you have a life that is just as interesting as theirs and they can come join in your fun.
Making Use Of The Friend Zone Will Not Work
There are those that think by becoming friends with someone they want to date is the way to do it. On one hand, you need to be friends with whomever you are involved with regardless if it is dating or even if you are married but more often than not, starting off as friends slam dunks you into the friend zone.
Women really are not attracted to nice guys and lots of guys want to start off with a girl they like by buying them things, doing things for them and basically allowing the woman to use them for whatever they need them for.
So what happens? The first time you are introduced to someone by your crush, she labels you as, “Just a Friend”. This basically applies the other way around for the guys with the girls that are crushing on them.
I have found for a guy, being nice is the death to ever dating. For women when being nice, they usually get used and taken advantage by men and not that the guy is a jerk, it just happens. I think something is really wrong with us human beings sometimes, to reject a relationship because of being treated nice. Kind of goes towards that old saying, “Opposites Attract”. That “saying” probably has more meaning than how it is literally taken.
Don’t Be So Accommodating
So you have a crush on someone, you naturally want to do things for that person to show them you are interested and really that seems logical. Unfortunately we are a messed up species and attraction doesn’t work that way. You see many couples that are really happy together do nothing but fuss and argue and you are wondering why?
Well it creates a challenge and people like to have challenges in their life and for those who don’t, well they become stagnant and really aren’t living it to the fullest.
So the more things you do for your crush, the more you try to be on call and listen to every complaint they have or hear all about the good times they had out on a date with someone else just deepens your foot hold into being just a friend.
For one thing, by you acting like you’re enjoying listening to what great sex your crush had with someone else or how good looking the other person is. All that is saying to your crush is, “It’s OK to talk about someone else because I am not interested in you that way”. When you are unintentionally being disrespected such as your crush burps, farts, scratches themselves or changes clothes in front of you as if doesn’t matter, you are again saying that it doesn’t matter because you are not interested in them romantically.
Basically the more you do trying to accommodate them is making the statement that you are not into them. We make fun of people that have sex toys, women with there toys and men with there inflatable dolls right?
There are reasons why some use these and I am not getting into that subject but we don’t fall in love with inanimate objects do we? There is no life, no feed back, nothing to strike a flame, these things are just there. So by being someone who is just there isn’t any better. We are all unique and have some great attributes, so why not portray them?
How Did I Get Into The Friend Zone To Start With?
Everything you have read above pretty much explains how you got into the friend zone. Approaching someone you like solely as a friend because you are too afraid to let them know that you have more than friend intentions would be a way that can instantly place you in the zone .
When it comes to feelings, both men and women hide them and I guess we do it to protect ourselves from the feeling of rejection and not being good enough. What is sad, not being good enough is never really the case. But fear of rejection or insecurities can get you in the zone pretty fast.
Decide If The Person Is Really Worth It To Start With
We all have our own interest and what we personally find attractive. Some women find short fat men irresistible where some short men love super tall women. And even if not the looks which when it comes down to it, the looks are not the deciding factor, it can be simply your personality just doesn’t fit theirs.
In some cases like mine many moons ago, I met a girl that was a 12 on a scale from 1 to 10 and that 12 ran from head to toe. But after a short time, I realized that her beauty was only on the surface, she was narcissistic and just a really horrible person. To this day she is still single with no kids and she will probably die alone because to her, it is everyone else that is wrong.
There are just some people that aren’t worth your time or effort and don’t deserve you. So fear is our biggest enemy and usually gets us into not only friend zones but not succeeding in life in general.
Make Sure They Know You Are Interested
Out of fear and trying to protect our ego’s and self-esteem, we want to take the safe approach. Of course as I mentioned, doing nice things for someone you like comes naturally and there are ways to do this without coming across as only a friend. Now the biggest and probably the number one on the list of things that nails everyone into the zone is not taking action.
As a people, we all have our own perspective on things, not everyone sees and feels the same about stuff. So if a guy takes a girl out that he wants to seriously date but does nothing but compliment her, buys her things all the time, washes her car and mows her lawn without ever flirting. Her perception could be that he is just being a nice guy and only wants to be friends especially if he never flirts or never makes a romantic move. This situation is really pretty much the same for women liking a guy as well.
Timing Is Everything
Life is all about timing and moments, if you miss them, they’re gone. If you are out with your crush and a moment comes open where the situation is a romantic setting and you have the opportunity to kiss, you better act on it. If you miss that moment, another one may never come again.
Also going back to perception, your crush may take it that your lack of action at that moment was a direct sign that you are not into them. And it isn’t all about kissing, it could be holding hands or even flirtatious teasing. If you don’t put forth an effort to show that you WANT something more than friendship, the crush is going to perceive that as friends only.
The key here is, don’t be so shy about making your intentions clear, at the same time, don’t be so forward that it can scare your crush off, everyone loves a mystery. Playing it safe will get you nowhere, if it is someone you feel is worth it, then it is going to take some effort, even if it means getting out of your comfort zone.
Most people find themselves in the friend zone because they play it too safe, hide their feelings and do it long enough that your crush feels you are not interested and allows them thoughts of moving and on usually to someone else.
How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone?
Sadly there are going to be times that you have buried yourself so far into the friend zone by either your actions or lack of and the length of time you have been pretending to be a friend when you really wanted more, that it may be impossible to recover unless you can find a true dating coach with years of experience that can help you.
However it can be done for most, so if you are in the zone, don’t lose hope, it just means far more effort now than if you had put the effort in at the beginning, so LESSONS LEARNED.
Here is a checklist of things to do and I will go over each afterwards:
- Remain cool and level headed about and just accept how it is
- Part of acceptance is to acknowledge and identify your mistakes and work on self improvements
- Spend time doing regular things, leave romance out of the equation, hold steady that you are just friends
- Do things with other people and make sure you are having fun with others and appear less interested in your crush
- Do subtle flirting and teasing but keep it on the realm of being playful and fun
- Touch and response
- Don’t always be so readily available
- Get them to invest in you
- Leverage the friendship
So there is your high-level list of things you can do to get out of the friend zone. This is pretty much in general that applies to both men and women. For the women I did find an article that may be a little more pointed to you, check out The Women’s Guide To Getting Out Of The Friend Zone. Below I explain these in a little more detail…
Get Out Of The Friend Zone Revealed
Remaining cool and level headed shows you are not needy or desperate because both of those traits are ugly to have. Accept your crush wants to just be friends, so treat it as such. You show confidence and strength by focusing less on them and more on yourself.
Own up to your mistakes, acceptance is a key attribute everyone should have in everyday life, to deny what is or has happened only brings misery and stagnation. You are stuck in the zone because YOU were too shy or scared to act on your feelings. You were so starved for attention that you were willing to settle for friend attention instead of a romantic one.
You made the mess, you need to admit to it and change your ways, provided that your crush is what you really want. If you believe it can happen, it has a fighting chance but if you are full of doubts in yourself and the relationship, it will never be. So look at yourself and overcome the fears, truly learn from your mistakes. To keep doing the same failing thing is madness.
If Friends Is What They Want – Then Friends They Get
So your crush just wants to be friends, so be their friend. One thing I haven’t mentioned is that it is highly likely that your crush knows you have an interest in them beyond friendship and even if they don’t, to have the opposite sex hanging out with them is an ego booster. You being in the picture offers them a sense of security, makes them feel real good.
So when you go and tone it down and just do regular things, like hit a fast food restaurant, go see a movie or hang out with other friends, you are distancing.
You are there but not solely with them, you are there for your amusement as well, not hanging the entire moment on their existence. You are threatening their layer of security.
Go hang out with other friends, make your own social life without them and make sure you are having a good time while you are out. This won’t only put a little jealousy into your crushes mind but is good for you as well because you are learning to love your life.
No one can really like or love you if you don’t feel that for yourself. And on the jealousy aspect, you know as well as anyone that even friends get jealous of other friends and by creating that emotion is a way to start getting them to think about you in a different light.
Time To Flirt
Even though I said when you are out just doing real friend things and leaving romance out of the picture, we go back to that timing thing. After you have done the above and you start letting your crush know you have a life of your own and get their interest and jealousy inflated a little, it is now time to flirt.
Now this has to be subtle flirtation, not a direct lip lock or try to get them into the bed. Quick hugs with a delay, possibly where a kiss could happen but act like you didn’t notice. Have fun and be playful, grab their hand for a moment.
Tell them that you love them but only at a time when you can work it in as playing around and certainly make it sound like it means nothing. Don’t come off serious about it at all, the idea is to plant subliminal messages into their subconscious, that there could be more than just friendship between you.
You always want touching to be going on but not so much that it is obvious what you are doing. Don’t be afraid for your arms to bump or brush together. Figure out how to get moments where the two of you are crammed together. You are building sexual tension again in their subconscious. Pay attention to their response every time you touch, this will give you an idea of how they are starting to think about you.
You Do Have Your Own Life
Don’t always be so available, showing your crush that every time they say jump you do, you have just become the house pet. Showing less availability means you have your own life and it makes them not only miss you but makes them curious to what you are doing. In essence it gets them to thinking about you in other ways than just a friend.
You Do For Them – Get Them To Do For You
Get them to invest in you, what does that mean? Remember you were all so ready to cut your right arm off for them, drag their dirty laundry across the desert for them right, well you can ask of them as well. You are important to so don’t feel wrong about asking them to pick up something for you, come help you wash your car or whatever. Always be sure to reward them for their efforts but don’t go overboard, keep it simple.
If All Else Fails
If all else fails and you are not seeing a turn of interest from your crush, leverage your friendship. Keep in mind that through all this time, you have built trust between each other and people want to be with someone they can trust.
So when you let your crush know that you might be interested in going out with one of their friends or someone the two of you know, this will be the true test.
If you still don’t get the reaction you are wanting, then it is probably time to move on. We all get attached and sentimentality is a very honorable and great trait to have.
But we all want to hang on to what we think is the love of our lives and there is no one else on the planet. You have to wake up and realize as hard as it may be to do, there is a world full of people, you can move on.
If you have it in your head that your crush is your soulmate, think about this. If this person was truly your soulmate, then why did you not get together after spending all that time together? It can be understandable to feel that you lost your soulmate if it was a brief encounter never to cross paths again or they were relocated to another country, misery could be understandable.
But if you got your time in, spent time building some kind of relationship but it just didn’t turn into a romance novel, then chances are it wasn’t meant to be. Again, back to that idea of ACCEPTANCE…
There Is Hope
Do not lose complete hope however, I created this site because I know a little about being in the friend zone and have experienced some hard times with love. I over came all of it and learned how to get back on top and wanted to share some of my insights.
In the process of getting on top and getting my mind and spirit back on track to the dating world, I did some serious studying on real dating coaches.
There are many scams out there or “want to be-think they know it all” pick up artist that will tell the men the lines to say or tell the women how to act to get a date or more of it to getting an intimate encounter.
But you are here because you are wanting something more than a one night stand or be a player. You want a real relationship, you want love.
I found some coaches and products that can help you get just that. Some of their teachings and techniques come across at first like it is all about sex but it’s not and once you get past that introduction, you will learn a lot and not just in romance but in life.
I found that these coaches and products have long success rates and many happy customers. The real trick to having a relationship is to overcome your fears and to be confident. But we often need help to get these real attributes. Confidence can’t be faked, it has to be real or you are just fooling yourself.
Check out my pages in the menu, there you will find some products and programs I have personally studied and feel confident they will help you as well. Also keep up with my blog, I will be frequently blogging on different issues people have with dating, relationships and a few other topics in hopes it will provide improvements in your lives or at least to let you know that you’re not alone.
I have been reviewing several products and coaches so for breaking the Friend Zone, I highly recommend these programs:
For Men – How To Make Her Want You
For Women – Capture His Heart
Feel free to join my mailing list and get your Free Report on ways to improve communications. I will only keep you up to date whenever I post or any new products that I hear about. Don’t worry, I will not blast your emails with a ton of junk mail for I hate that as well.
Thanks for your time and I hope to see you back soon, also feel free to leave a comment, I want to hear from all of you.