Dating own its own is something that takes some effort and understanding, but venture down that road after a breakup brings about many more concerns you should think about. Are you actually ready to get back out there and date again?
For some, the question could be, have you ever actually dated to start with? There are signs you are not ready to date and you really should look for them to avoid pain and possibly more heartache.
If you are asking yourself if you think you are ready, then you are approaching this avenue sensibly and honestly. If you have never dated or if you are considering getting back out in the dating scene after a breakup or divorce, you want to make it a clean fresh beginning. What is the point to go out and get another person involved with you if you are not actually in a position to commit yourself to the venture?
After my own trials, pains, heartaches and experiences after my divorce, I thought I would come up with a list that everyone should think about before jumping out in the dating world. Keep in mind that this list is not only things you should be looking at about yourself but is also a good guideline of traits you should look for in a prospective date. I just wished I had a list of things to look for before I got back out in the dating life, it could have saved me a lot of frustration.
- Still in a relationship: If you are still married or lingering in a long time serious relationship that iseither in the middle of divorce proceedings or the separation process, you are nowhere ready to date again. You have to have time to heal and let all the drama go.
How could you honestly commit to someone else if you are still tied up in your past? Granted, often people are breaking up because of a new relationship with someone else, but usually these don’t last.
- Still hanging on to the “Ex”: If every conversation you have with anyone still contains references to your “wife”, “husband” or your “Ex’s” first name instead of using the name of “ex-wife”, “ex-husband” or “Ex” period, you haven’t let go yet.
In fact, if you are still going on about it and feeling the need to relive it by talking about it, then it is going to be hard to start a new relationship fresh. We all need to vent to get the bad stuff out of us, so go to your best friend and vent, not to a new potential date.
- Honesty with yourself: We all make mistakes and the benefit is we learn from them as long as we are honest to ourselves about them. Granted, some breakups are completely the other person’s fault but if you don’t at least admit to some of the stupid things you did, or admit to things you should have done different and blame the other person 100%, then you may find this horror continuing into the next relationship.
At least learn that your mistake was picking the type of person you did. If you were too jealous, not attentive enough or just didn’t put into the relationship what you should have, own up to it and try not to repeat those mistakes again.
- Ignoring your heartache: If you are just trying to suck it up and move on without dealing with the pain or emotions, you will undoubtedly take these feeling into the next relationship or put yourself in a position that no one will want to date you.
You have to heal and get strong again, just like breaking a leg, it has to heal before walking or running again. Don’t be in such a rush only for it to be another fail.
- Getting the Ex back syndrome: There are two things here that need to be looked at. If you still stay in communication with your Ex, pining away at them letting them know you are open to try again, then don’t be looking to drag a new person into this confusion.
If you are wanting to date someone new just to make the Ex jealous, again, don’t do this to someone. This is very selfish and cruel and basically makes you a user. Is this how you would want to be treated?
- Commitment issues: Often after a breakup people are scared to commit again but there are many people out there that just don’t want to be lonely but are afraid or just do not desire to put full commitment into a relationship.
I suggest until you figure out why you can’t commit to someone, stay single. Hang out with friends and spend some time getting to know yourself. Don’t hurt others because you do not know what you want.
- Narcissistic and schizophrenic: If you suffer from either or both of these conditions, you should not date at all. If you need a sex fix, let someone know you just need sex and leave it at that. People that flip-flop in personalities or that are so completely selfish and never at fault types, cannot have a normal loving relationship.
If you do suffer from this but want to get better and meet someone in the process, let them know upfront about how you are and let them decide if or how they want to deal with it. These personality defects usually lead into toxic head games and all involved suffer emotionally.
- You are bored: If you feel you want to date just because you are bored and need some romantic entertainment, then you really need to look at how you are going to make the other person feel. No one wants to be treated as an option or a play thing.
Do the right thing and at least be honest with someone that you are just wanting to fill a moment in your life and don’t let that person get too attached.
- Not feeling whole and feeling incomplete: If you feel something is missing in your life, this is not a good reason to start dating. Dating isn’t going to fill the empty parts in your life, this is where you need to get to know yourself and who you are.
Once you figure yourself out and become happy with who you are, then you are ready to date. You can’t put your failings onto someone else to fix, that is your job.
- You just have to be in a relationship: If you feel you just have to be involved with someone because other people you know are or you just can’t be complete without someone else, then you are just asking for problems.
This is really being needy and that is a turn off to anyone and secondly, no matter how it is, you will never be happy with anyone. The fix is yourself, learn to like yourself and be content with your life and don’t use others as a crutch.
- You are too busy: If you are barely keeping up with your day to day life, how can you manage to keep up with someone else? You need to figure out how to take time for yourself and manage your schedule, you don’t want to bring someone into your life always to be blowing them off.
- Trust issues: There is always the time it takes to believe in and trust someone but if you approach someone new with the attitude they can’t be trusted, then you have already doomed it. You need to understand why you distrust others or a romantic partner before getting involved with someone.
If you approach any relationship with negativity, it will most likely fail. At least be honest with someone about your trust issues, maybe they can help but ultimately in the end, the only person that can fix you is you.
- Be true to yourself: If you are afraid of rejection to the point that you change who you are just to get a chance to have a relationship, you are far from ready to date. You have to learn who you are, what your likes and dislikes are and go with that.
People respect those who know who they are and you can’t expect to have a happy – healthy relationship with anyone if you are just being what they want. They will resent you in the end and all that leads to is hurt on both parts.
- Scorecard degradation: If you feel you always have to be right and place blame on someone you may date, you are far from real dating material. If you are always making reference to “men” or “women” in a degrading way, you are not letting go of the past or just have real issues with the opposite sex.
Again, you have to go into a new relationship fresh with all baggage left behind. There is no reward for proving that the other person is to blame for everything. It takes two to argue and if it is the other person that really is to blame, just leave.
- Keeping your options open: If you are on the prowl, playing the dating game and getting as many dates as you can, you are probably not ready for a committed relationship. However there is nothing really wrong with dating multiple people as long as you are upfront about it, don’t be a player.
- Being happy: If you are not happy with yourself or your life, then you can’t be good for someone else. It will never work to expect someone else to make you happy and yes, you want someone that makes you happy but you can’t hang your existence on that person to make it happen for you.
As long as you put that responsibility onto someone else, that person will never live up to your expectations and they will eventually resent you out of a loss of respect towards you.
These signs you are not ready to date can work both ways. You may have it all together but use this small list as a help to spot traits in others. The truth is, you have to feel good about yourself and be happy with who you are before you can make someone else happy or be good for them.
You have to understand what true friendship is and respect. If you lack respect for others and feel everything is about you, then you are most likely doomed to be lonely. Loving anyone is a gamble, there are no guarantees but if it is a great relationship, the rewards make up for the risk.
If you have any questions or thoughts, please leave me a comment and I will try and get back to you as soon as I can.