Have you ever felt like you ruined your own chances at having a relationship? It may have been either a relationship you were already in, or that first date that guaranteed no second one. If you feel like you were the one that ruined it without being aware that you did. You may be self-sabotaging your dating life.
It isn’t like you want to purposely destroy your chance at love, it just happens. There are reasons that cause this self-sabotage. If you are looking to put an end to self-sabotaging your dating life, let’s look at what could be causing it.
The Signs Of Self Sabotage
Most of us are unaware when we are ruining our chances at love. But there are signs that might help you identify if you are sabotaging your dating life. The old saying, “you just might be your own worst enemy.” This is a key indicator of self-sabotage.
There are two big traits that might be big indicators you need to look for. Being a perfectionist is one and someone who procrastinates is the other. If you are one or both, doesn’t mean for a fact that you are self-sabotaging. However, these are traits that you should pay attention to if accompanied by the other following.
- Masking your feelings with drugs are alcohol
- Always feeling inadequate and or not good enough, imposter syndrome
- Feeling like you will never reach your goals
- Insecurity
- Always feeling ignored
- Going from one job or relationship to another
- Living in fear of failure
- Gaslighting
- Always having unrealistic expectations of yourself
- Never being completely authentic, always wearing a mask to hide the real you
- Being a control freak
- Not making your relationships a priority
These are some of the biggest traits you need to look for in yourself. You may not actually see these in yourself. But if you have ever heard others mention any of these, it is worth looking into.
The hardest part of any self-improvement is seeing and admitting you have a problem. We all like to think we are perfectly fine, nothing at all is wrong. However, if you are here reading about this topic, then that is the first step that you might be self-sabotaging your dating life.
What Is Causing Your Self-Sabotaging Behavior?
If you think this is something you are purposely doing to yourself, it isn’t. No one wants to fail. But the mind is very complex and we all do things we can’t explain at times.
Usually, this kind of behavior is caused by a low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. We all tend to stick to things inside our comfort zone. When we confronted to get out of that comfort zone, we resist.
For some of us, we resist by believing that we can’t do it. We convince ourselves that we are inadequate, to avoid having to face a new challenge. Our insecurities support our fears of rejection and procrastinating.
The lack of confidence and insecurity is often a little difficult to overcome. However, you can beat this. There are so many things in life that knock us down. Often when we get knocked down, we tend to not believe in ourselves as much. Like losing your job or a bad breakup in a relationship.
It seems easy to stop believing in yourself, but really hard to get that belief back. When you stop believing in yourself, your confidence and self-esteem drop. You begin to find everything overwhelming. Thus, causing you do to avoid chances, challenges and change.
This of course leads you to self-sabotaging your dating life. Because dating is all about challenges, change, being pulled out of your comfort zone and chances. Don’t worry, there are ways to improve your confidence and self-esteem. You just needed to understand some of the reasons that cause self-sabotaging.
How Can You Stop Self-Sabotaging?
There has been a question if self-sabotaging behavior is a metal illness or a personality disorder. Some have said no, others say yes. Mental illness and personality disorders can often result in self-sabotaging behavior. If you have real concerns, it certainly might be a good idea to consult a doctor about it.
However, if you are somewhat aware that you are suffering from self-sabotage, that is the first step to getting better. By improving your mindfulness and self-awareness, you can begin to stop self-sabotaging your dating life.
Example Of Self-Sabotaging Your Dating Life
This is a true and personal story of mine that shows a perfect example of self-sabotaging a date. I met this beautiful girl at McDonald’s. The “pickup” as one would say went perfect. She got herself a “Happy Meal”, this gave me the perfect opportunity to be cute and charming.
I made fun of her a little and got her number. We met a week later for lunch at a nice restaurant. The conversation was going really well but leading into making plans for another date. We talked about her coming over to my house soon and watching some movies we both liked. She mentioned that her car needed a tune-up. I used to be a mechanic and told her I could fix her car for her.
I told her I would fix it when she came over to watch movies. She said that could wait another day, she would rather just watch movies with me. I then persisted to tell her I would fix the car. Then I questioned her age. She was about 5 years younger than me. My response was that I was probably too old for her. Then I also pointed out that I was a single full-time dad and most of my time was spoken for.
It seemed like I did everything on purpose to ensure anther date never happened. And of course, it never did. I regret that I did that so much. She was beautiful, smart and intelligent. I blew a chance to be with someone special and I couldn’t figure out why.
Why Did That Happen
I know why I did that now. Being a single full-time dad with no help, sucks a person’s independence and confidence right out of you. Once I realized that this girl was someone that could be a long-term relationship, I panicked.
This meant change, me being pulled out of my comfort zone. I would have had to figure out how to split my time between my child and a lover. I got scared and overwhelmed and my brain went into protection mode and sabotaged something that could have been wonderful.
At the time I was saying all the wrong things, I was catching it but couldn’t stop myself. It was almost like I was along for the ride, watching my evil half destroy my love life.
Here Are Some Suggestions On Stopping This Madness
As I mentioned, self-awareness is very important but like in my case, wasn’t enough. Here are some suggestions to fixing the self-sabotaging.
- Own your situation
- Set goals and see them through
- Make little changes in your life
- Learn to like yourself, love who you are
- Think before you act
- Know your strengths and weaknesses
- Avoid negative influences
Own Your Situation
Everyone has a life and situations that go with it. I will not say baggage, because if children are part of your issue of dating. Kids ARE NOT BAGGAGE!!! We all have obligations, family, jobs, the list can go on.
The point is, we all have stuff, so you have to accept it and deal with it or let it stress you. So, if you are single full-time parent, just know, you are not the only one. There are millions, and out of those millions, there are some mighty successful ones. So, why can’t you be successful? Why can’t you get that date and have a great relationship?
Your life may not be perfect or ideal, but accept it and own it. If you meet someone and they find you having a kid isn’t what they like. You don’t need that person in your like anyway. Keep moving forward. Know your life and learn how to work in “you time,” regardless if it is dating or what. You have to have you time, figure out how to make it happen.
Set Goals And See Them Through
The best way I have found to have some accomplishments to feel better about yourself is make a checklist. Get a planner or just have a list, but think of little things you want to get done. Set some realistic deadlines and check them off as you get them done.
Having accomplishments will start boosting your confidence and your belief in yourself. The type of small accomplishments would be like clean your room, clean out the garage, make a phone call. Small tasks are what you want to start with. Leave the larger ones like add on to the house for later once you get your self-esteem raised.
Make Little Changes In Your Life
By making small changes in your life, will help you get out of your comfort zone. It will get you used to making changes. So, when you do meet someone that you think could be serious with. You won’t be self-sabotaging your dating life because of fear of change.
Little changes could be like moving furniture around. Watch a different TV show or try new foods. Possibly try out a new style in what you ware. Add or change your exercise routine. The changes do not have to be huge but over time, you will begin to make larger ones.
Learn To Like Yourself, Love Who You Are
We all tend to find things wrong with ourselves, but some find too much wrong. When you start creating a list of things you feel is wrong about yourself, you start disliking yourself. There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism, even with yourself. However, once you start focusing on all your negative points, that sends you down a bad path.
Just accept that nobody is perfect, we all have faults. So instead of dwelling on what isn’t perfect, focus on what is your best points. No matter how small or even silly something is that you are good at or know about. Take joy and be proud of yourself for that. Everyone has something they excel more than someone else. It could be something as simple as packing a suitcase more efficiently than others.
No matter what your click is, think about that and feel positive about yourself. Always look at yourself in a good way. Remember that you are just as special as anyone else. It doesn’t matter what you look like or how much money you have. All that really matters is that you do your best and always try to be a good person. This will create self-worth and create a love for who you are.
Think Before You Act
The best way to avoid self-sabotaging your dating life is to think before speaking or acting. This means, be careful of what comes out of your mouth or how you react to things. Just like in my own story I shared. If I had just thought about my words before speaking them, I might be married to that beautiful girl now.
Knee-jerk reactions based on a pessimistic attitude is a huge act of self-sabotage. Being positive is very important. If you are always expecting the worse, that is what you will get. Many people feel that expecting the worse is the best protection from being hurt or disappointed. The fact is, that attitude is your root of self-sabotaging your love life.
If someone isn’t saying or doing what you want or hoped for. Taking a reaction of dome and gloom will definitely ruin any chance you have at a love life. Just because someone you made plans with has to cancel or can’t commit on a certain date, doesn’t mean it’s over. By making negative assumptions and acting on them, will cause it to be over before getting started.
So next time you want to speak or feel you need to react. Think positive about it, even if there is no chance. There are plenty of people in the world. So, don’t act like someone you are interested in, is the only and last person to be with.
Know Your Strengths And Weaknesses
As mentioned, confidence is the key to stop self-sabotaging your dating life. A great way to build confidence, is to get to know yourself and accept your strengths and weaknesses. Accepting, means be happy with both attributes.
Nobody is great at everything, and that is something you have to remember. If you are a perfectionist, it is harder to accept that. In a case like that, you are going to need to learn to be less of a perfectionist.
You may be terrible at cooking, but awesome at computers. It could be that you may not be good at common household chores, but you have a vast knowledge history. Everyone has something they good with or know about. Learn to be happy with what you know. Also learn to accept that you don’t know everything.
Do not compare yourself to others, that is a quick way to feel less about yourself. Not that the other person is better than you. When comparing yourself to others, we tend to think less of ourselves. Focus on what you are good at and know the things you’re not so good at. Leave it at that. You can always try and learn new things which is good anyway.
Trying to keep up with the Joneses only hurts you. The only person you should be concerned with, is you. The more content you are with what you know and can do, the more confidence you will have.
Avoid Negative Influences
This mostly means, stay away from toxic people. If you are surrounded by people telling you that you can’ do it, you can’t succeed. In time, you will truly believe that. Sadly, there are many people we call friends that desire to take us down a notch. The reason is so they can feel better about themselves. These type people are not friends.
This is also a sign of self-sabotaging. When you constantly align yourself with dates or friends that are really bad for you, this is self-destructive. If you really have no self-esteem and do not find much worth in yourself. You will continually seek out people that make you not feel good about being you.
This is completely wrong thinking, but you probably feel you can do no better. This is where you need to be self-aware. If you really look at the people you associate with. Then think about how you feel when you are around them. It would be time to get rid of these people if you are not feeling too well about yourself.
This may sound harsh, but you have to remember. A real friend, a real significant other, they are going to make you feel good about yourself. True friends support each other, not tear each other down.
This goes with dating. If you go out on a date and your date doesn’t bring out the best in you, move on. Life is too short to be wasting it on people that use you for their convenience.
Conclusion
Learn and build your confidence is a must. Take time to get to know yourself and learn to like yourself. You really need to know what it is you want before you start serious dating. Remove or at least distance yourself from toxic people.
The main reason you are self-sabotaging your dating life, is that lack of belief you have in yourself. There are many reasons why we could lack belief in ourselves. It could date back to how you were raised from childhood. The first path to improving yourself, is start becoming self-aware.
Pay attention to how others make you feel. That way you can decide who stay away from and the ones that you should be close with.
The next time you go out on a date, get the date to talk about themselves for a bit. Think about your responses before speaking. Instead of focusing on being nervous or all the ways it could go wrong. Think about how nice it would be if it all worked out.
Even if you think you may just have bad luck. To get rid of it, is about the same as stopping self-sabotage. Start being positive and you will see how that can change your life. This can be really good dating tips.
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